And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear

Were all ok, until the day were not, the surface shines, while the inside rots

Thu, 14 May 2009 15:39:08 GMT

Sometimes I just wonder if things will ever go back to the way they were, even though I am not sure if I'd like them to.
I think I need to move on, I just wish it was easier said than done. And it is hard to let go, when HE still hasn't even let go.
And it's just annoying to have on my mind all the time cause I can't get him out.

Anyway, I'm working on living a more healthier lifestyle and I hope it makes me feel better overall. This morning I got up early for once and went for a run. It was so refreshing, I need to make this a daily thing. I'm also taking more vitamins now and eating healthier instead of TBell all the time. AAAAnd I'm really cutting down on cigarettes, which is so hard because I was at at least 10 a day and now that is to like 2 a day or a couple hits. Hopefully I can just cut it out within the next year.

Anyway, I am sick of most people because no one is really genuine anymore or whatever. I just want to go to school and meet some cool new people that I can build a solid relationship with. I need to meet a nice new guy who won't be "in love" with me and then just throw me to the curb for someone else, and then come running back again. I need something steady, but I honestly don't even want a relationship right now because I am becoming too independant to depend on someone again.

I am going camping this weekend with my girls, we are booming, and I am excited.

My 18th birthday is coming very, very soon and I'm making it big, sooooooo excited!

OHHH. FOUND OUT; RISE AGAINST AT SUMMERFEST JUNE 25! Let me know if you want to come with its gonna be a blast

Undone

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:23:50 GMT

Its crazy...the mindset I have encountered..it's like nothing I've ever felt before
It's like looking through different eyes.
Change is the only constant

hurt makes you numb

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 16:42:40 GMT

Looking back..I see that you have gone through a lot, just as I have in my past.
But I've overcome my past, started something new, that I had a good feeling about
and you just took that from me..don't you see what you're doing to me..

love is a risk, to always get hit out of nowhere, by some wave and end up on your own..

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 15:17:51 GMT

Seriously.

I don't even know.
I don't even know what to say anymore..
I am hurting so bad, but maybe this was for the best..
I think I'll be okay.
I think, I wish, I WILL.
I'm always going to love Joey.

Had a wonderful night last night though..Me, TK and Benny drove around forever and went to see the Cold Spring Inn and just geeked and played bitch and had good conversation.. it was nice to get my mind off things and talk them over. Cant wait to go to the movies with them on Sunday, we're buying pretzel bites and making brownies to sneak them in haha :)

The things you swore, they never made me feel anymore

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:16:41 GMT

No huge post.

All is well, 4 months on Tuesday.
Work is like a calm sea waiting for a storm. I wont be surprised if we go under soon and I'll have to find a new job..
Excited for my birthday; dyeing my hair, new piece, lip piercing, tattoo,hookah, and March 28; Schaumburg and Madison :)

I've waited here for you

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 17:59:33 GMT

Last night was a huge hit in the face for me. I am an individual and I need to start doing my own things. For so long, I've followed in the same routine, and I realized its just nice to have something new once in awhile.

Last night I decided I'm getting a second job and it will probably be 3rd shift, to save up extra money becuase I'm working Jo Jo's for the 11 days of summerfest
then I'm heading out to Colorado for awhile to work at a restaraunt, coming back and going to school.
or if I like it enough I'll stay out there and go to school..

this is my plan, i just need change or something.

need you like water in my lungs

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:22:33 GMT

Everyday is a constant struggle with my mind to stay on track and to keep me up
but it gets tiring trying to everyday
i'm just kinda sick of itt...

the sky it glows, with fields of lights

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:03:44 GMT

Being done with school is the best feeling ever and probably one of the best decisions I've made in my whole life. I actually feel like I can breath and feel stable with myself and not feel so rushed all the time. I think I've been getting too much sleep lately, which is weird but feels good. I like waking up early and just sitting around and getting Joey for lunch everyday cause that always starts my day out.

Everything has been going soo great lately, despite the little event that happened yesterday with stupid ass Shane and fucking over Zenita. But whatever. Valentines day is coming up, shortly after is Joey and my 3 month, which is going much better than I thought it would. Going into a relationship with him again, I thought that it was just going to be so much time before history repeated itself. But it hasn't and Joey and I have come a long way since last year and I really hope things stay this way or I'm not sure what I would do with myself. For Valentines day, Zenita, Jordan, Joey and I are probably going to having dinner together, probably at Zenitas now since she is on house arrest with her parents. I'm really excited for it, her mom has been really understanding throughout this whole situation which is really what Zenita and I need at this point.

I'm really missing Tyler at this point and I hate so much that he moved out to Madison. I miss being a bitch to him and goofing off with his stupid ass becuase he was the only one that could take it and be a complete dick back, but I didnt care. But hopefully this weekend or next Molly and I are going to go visit him and Dave at the Frat.
I'm really hoping that within the next couple months I can see a lot of people that I havent seen in awhile or mend relationships that maybe have gone bad because all I've been doing lately is reminsing my past and it's overwhelming how much I miss people from Muskego and Sussex and shit..

Since I have so much time on my hands now, I was hoping that I could pick up full time hours at my current job, but since there has been so many lay-offs lately, they don't know yet if they can help me out. But I NEED more hours, because I've fucked up so much with trying to save my money. Now, I'm stuck with..do I quit my job(which I am very comfortable at) to get a full time job or do I get a second job on top of what I am working now?

I'm hoping that I can be out of my house and independent by June/July because I can not stand it here anymore, but it might end up that I stay at home for a little while yet, which is not what I want at all, and if that happens idk what I'm going to do with myself.

I hate money.

I'm just trying to a better version of me, for you.

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 05:21:12 GMT

It's insane to think that I have just about 9 days of high school left. 9 days!(and thats including exam days..so only like 7 then..) Then I'm done with that crap and all those people for the rest of my life. I cannot WAIT! I can't go back, do anything over, even though I sometimes wish I could.. It's weird looking around at everyone in my classes, everyone walking around in the hallways..to think I will never see 98% of these people ever again. I look around and see friends that I have, friends that I've lost, people I can't even stand and people I don't even know and I can't even believe how fast my life feels like its going. Sometimes I wish I could mend every relationship that I've ever lost, but I guess..we're not friends anymore for a reason. And if I did anything differently I wouldn't be where I am at today.

It has taken me so long to actually figure out what I want to do after this and I still am not even sure if I'm happy with the decision that I've made. I'm attending UW-Waukesha in the fall and am transferring to Stevens Point after 2 years to finish up my bachelors degree in business and environmental studies. If I could I wouldn't even go to school, because honestly..I've realized so much more about life than schooling and what we learn in school..but thats a whole other opinion I have that I'm not even going to go into.

Anyways, besides school everything is going very well for myself. I've finally reached the point where I actually feel stable with myself again and can actually breath. Things with Joey are going really well and we're doing a lot better than we did the last time we tried things... I can't even believe that we even broke up in the first place a year ago..but whatever..

I can honestly say..I'm happy.
:)

stand still.

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 06:29:10 GMT

There is a secret that you dont know about
but we know
and its probably a good thing that only we know because you would die if you found out.

my brother has been getting to my head lately,
he's solely looking for a purpose in his life, which is making me realize so much about mine and everyone elses'
and hes talking so much, i'm thinking about everything he's saying and it makes so much sense to me

Life is all about how you take every situation that is put your way.

I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 04:13:57 GMT

I'm sick of people walking out of my life or getting out of touch with me.
I'm glad certain people have decided to come back into my life lately, but the ones who are fucking up right now really dissapoint me.

I'm tired of school, tired of work(even though i love adaptive), tired of driving, tired of living at home, tired of trying to build a life for future, just tired.
I really need somethin sometime soon to fucking wake me up out of this trance I've been in lately..
28 more days of school, I know I can do it, I just dont want to.

Joey and Zenita are really the only ones that have been keepin me up lately.
Oh, and Bryan, but he's always there when I'm feeling the worst
I'm glad I have them everyday, I don't know what I'd do without them..I think I'd just kind of be a blob of like nothingness or something. Even though, I really know that I can be sometimes.

I'm really sick of people misjudging me nowadays becuase what comes off on the outside isn't at all what I'm like on the inside, I guess you could say that. I know I'm crazy and wierd sometimes, but its just who I am and I guess I just go with the flow because it all feels okay that way, like i'm not forcing anything onto myself.

I dont know, now I'm just blabbing.

I'm sorry..

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 04:27:18 GMT

In no means did I intentionally try to hurt you in any way.
I know "I'm a bitch" and "I purposely tried to do this". But, no. I didn't.
I tried to be as good of a friend as I am to everyone, to you. I cared and I tried to help you fix things, to be there for someone to talk to who knew exactly what you were going through. I meant everything I said and I knew how much you cared about him. Honestly, I never put myself first.
I didnt ask for things to turn out this way, but I'm not going to lie, I am glad that he is back in my life again.
You can be as angry as you want at me. But I didn't take anything from you. Good things in life don't always stay.
And if you look at it..was it even that good or were you just in love with the idea.
So you can make snude remarks or talk shit about me to my best friend, or bitch at him and complain all you want. But it happened.
Get over it. Use this opportunity to start over. I mean, everything happens for a reason.
But really. I truly am sorry if I hurt you anyway and I could give a shit less if you ever looked my way again.
This is my apology.

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 04:53:45 GMT

I'm so glad that people some people have walked back into my life lately.

This just proves to me that you dont know what you have until it leaves.
Well know I now what I lost and I won't let it go again because it's the only thing that's felt right lately.

Everythings been getting so good. I can't believe it.
Things are looking up.

It's been so long.

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 17:24:39 GMT

Maybe good things go away so that better things can fall in place, maybe this is true.
but what if good things go away so that they can come back at a later time.
have you ever thought..maybe it just wasn't the right timing..maybe things can be like they used to be again.

i guess this is allll i can look forward to, is finding out what is really true

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 16:43:22 GMT

I can not face people anymore.
Realizing that I am going away to college and I'm not going to see anyone pretty soon just makes me not want to even waste my time.
Sometimes I feel like I could just sit at my house and not do anything, not see anyone because then it wont hurt as much when i graduate, wont hurt as much when I go away to school, when I start over. I'm not building anything any longer with people. I've already learned that getting in deep with people hurts too much when they go away. I can't deal with pain anymore.
I need to start over. I've become so numb lately that I just dont feel anything. Nothing hurts, but everything is bothering me.
I'm making stupid decisions that are affecting others that dont even know what is going on.
I've been thinking about my past lately and I"m really missing it. I miss having someone there for me through everything. I need a relationship, but I know i can't even handle it for myself right now.
I've realized, am happy though. If I make good of every situation and dont let things get to me, I'm always fine.
I"ll be okay.

Everything just feels out of my reach.
I'm wondering if I'll ever be okay again.

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 21:04:50 GMT

As the days pass by, they seem to be going faster and faster. I dont know where any of my time goes, where any of my money goes. I make plans but never follow through. Time is slipping away. Before I know it I will be graduated-january 22.
I will soon be forced to grow up even faster than i have in the past.
The truth is, I'm tired. My mind hurts, my heart is lonely and I dont know how much more its gonna take before I break.

I need something.
I dont know what that something is though.

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 22:26:50 GMT

I hate high school and I can't wait until I get out..Only a few more months I'm out like January 22 or something. Cant fucking wait!
Going to school and work has gotten me feeling so much better.

Everything is just looking up lately.
:)

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 16:25:28 GMT

I have watched many people i know lately make decisions to screw up their lives. Many have handled them differently but others and just going to completely wrong way about things.
Girls with boyfriends, or boys with girlfriends is what I am talking about..
I did that shit for two years, and I went the complete wrong way about it. See what happens when you get someone that close to you and you care so much about that ONE person, you push everyone else in your life away from you and in the end, when it doesnt work out, what are you left with? I was in a two year relationship and i did exactly that. I pushed all of my friends away to the point where they didnt even want to hangout with me anymore because i never had time for them. I watch people do this shit everyday and I dont know what to say to them to tell them to be careful with what they are doing. we are all young and we do not need to put ourself into this situation yet. Friends are the most important part of our lives, from my perspective and I think that relationships that take over your life like that are maybe just a waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I know people that handle it completely fine but some people are just stupid.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 02:25:04 GMT

So I've realized that I really haven't had a quite happy post lately. But I'm getting there, I really am.
Tonight is just one of those nights where I just got completely chopped and thought a lot and I've realized I've grown so much in my mind.
I've learned to let go of things pretty easily and believe me it's the best feeling i've felt in awhile.
But its like I've been talking I, I, I lately and she and he and I dont want to talk about myself all the time. It's wierd. Like i just always get caught up in my own mind that I'm tuning out other people too much and i hate that about myself so that's the next thing i'm working on.

Oh, and the other day i went hiking and for a drive out in holy hill and itwas just so beautiful. we pulled up to this house and it was huge in the middle of huge fields andi wished i could just go and sit out there and enjoy all of that beauty. i dont know ,now i' m jsut rambling..blah. blah.

And, I have a job interview finally.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 20:22:53 GMT

Don't really know how to feel about anything anymore. I'm just kind of at this numb stage right now.
School is starting soon, hopefully it's a nice change and goes quickly so I can get out as soon as possible.

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 19:07:49 GMT

why does it take so much to be happy?
happiness should just be something so simple. it should come from little things.
it sucks no one can ever stay happy

oh and i'm sick of having really good days then wanting to shoot myself.
haha.
bye

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:53:23 GMT

I dont want to leave you,
I'm terrified that I'm going to froget what you smell like
or forget the way I feel when I'm around you.
I dont want to forget the way you sound.

I thought that seeing you would make it easier for me
maybe make my peace with my thoughts
but it has only made it harder.
I have never felt this way about someone
and I dont think i could feel like this for anybody else
i'm always comparing you to everyone
and it never matches up.
:/

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:40:10 GMT

Lately, I've been getting so overwhelmed with missing people. I hate missing people. I missed Brian and look where it got us, he's gone and now I'll never see him again. What if that happens to other people I know? I just wish that time was not ever an issue and money and shit. Theres so many people I need to see and need to talk to but I have other plans or they never have time for me. I dont really know what to do honestly. I just wish things worked out better for me.

I wish school wasn't approaching so fast. I have to take my ACT over and start applying to colleges. Yuck.

I NEED A JOB!

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 16:31:21 GMT

Lately I just feel like the whole world is against me. I think that everyone is going behind my back and doesn't really give a fuck about me. I dont know what is wrong with me or where this is coming from.
I'm seriously falling apart, so slowly. It's just hitting me now that I'm an idiot. Really I am. I do nothing with my life everyday. I have no job. All i do is smoke cigarettes and weed and waste my money on gas. Although I do like it that way, I really feel like if I keep going this way with no job and being a bum, thats how I'm going to turn out. And I dont really know if its a good thing or not yet. I like how I've changed my ways and my personality. I've gained so much inner strength and outer strength and I'm just glad it happened when it did.
I've been getting really scared lately. I'm forced to start thinking about my future and I'm going to HAVE to start applying for colleges already this summer. Holy Shit. That's so soon. I have no clue whatsoever what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go. I'm just feeling so rushed like I have sooo much to get done.
I dont know I''m just blabbing and really just wish I didnt feel so lonely lately.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 21:53:01 GMT

I can not keep my head straight anymore. I keep telling myself that I need to be optimistic and need to tell myself I'm happy and a second later I'm looking at myself like what am I doing, I'm no where near close to being happy. But I really feel like I am happy. I just fool myself into thinking that things are really shitty when in fact, they are okay. I think I've just reached the point of contentness with my life. I think right now I'm just so numb from being sad and happy at the same time that it's just okay. Really, I am okay. Lately, I have just been missing my past and wishing I could go back a few months or something and maybe I could have changed something to make it different today, but then why would I want to do that? I can't go back in time, ever.
And that brings me to a new point. Time. What the fuck is time. I'm getting kind of sick of it. Okay. Lets worry about time and where we have to be at a certain point. Or how long we go away and do something. Time is an illusion, as is money. They both just set you up on some kind of routine. I'm happiest when I have no money, when I am not trying to race against time.
I dont know I"m just blabbing. And I can never keep my thoughts straight because I just get too jumbled up once it starts coming out.
I'm going to eat chinese now.